Dear Zevran,
by ErPo
Summary: Alistair is having difficulties in propositioning his favorite Grey Warden. Being the supposed master of love, Zevran offers his assistance with Alistair's "romance problems". Alistair x Fem Cousland and some Zevran x Fem Cousland


A/N: As I'm sure you'll notice, some of the dialogue is from actual in game scenes. I do not own Dragon Age or it's characters. I may make some more one-shots dealing with Zev, Alistair, and fem pc. Enjooooy! :D

* * *

"But… what if she says no… what if it's not the right time… is there _ever _a right time when you're trying to defeat a blight?" Alistair muttered to himself as he ran a hand through his short blond hair, pacing back and forth in front of the campfire.

He glanced hesitantly over at the one occupying his thoughts, his fellow Grey Warden was having a very animated discussion on some unknown subject with Leliana. She laughed at something the red-headed girl said, and shook her head amidst her giggling (which only served to further capture Alistair's attentions). She seemed to sense that she was being watched, however, and glanced over her shoulder, her bright eyes catching the light of the campfire and locking with Alistair's. He quickly turned away, blushing deeply as he heard Leliana giggle. He glanced out of the corner of his eye to see his fellow Grey Warden blushing, and being teased by an amused Leliana. He tore his attention away from the scene and sighed. "Okay, calm down man… you battle Darkspawn daily, you've fought demons, apostates, abominations, ogres, genlocks, and what have you… no need to break out in a sweat over this," he took a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves.

He felt a hand on his shoulder. "No need to break out in a sweat over _what_, my friend?" the familiar Antivan accent nearly made him jump out of his skin.

"For the love of Andraste! You scared me half to death, Zevran!" Alistair snapped.

"Oh? How so? I never thought you to be the type so easily rattled," Zevran arched a brow.

Alistair glanced around for a moment before turning back to Zevran. "I was just… deep in thought,"

This prompted Zevran to smile knowingly. "If I could be of assistance, my friend, I actually happened to overhear a great deal of your 'predicament',"

Alistair blushed furiously, brow furrowing. "W-what!? Y- you heard… er… All of that?"

"Indeed I did. I am an assassin, and therefore quite sneaky," he said, grinning smugly.

"Well, I can't think of any better use for your skills than eavesdropping..." Alistair muttered, sarcasm apparent.

"That aside, I have deduced that you are having issues in propositioning our dear, lovely Grey Warden, no?"

Alistair's expression quickly changed to one of intense annoyance. "She is not '_ours' _by any stretch of the imagination, _assassin,_" he snapped, heavily emphasizing the word assassin as a reminder of Zevran's original intentions concerning the woman in question.

"My my, do I detect a bit of… jealousy there? Feeling territorial, are we?" he smirked, earning him a withering glare from the templar. "But regardless, my initial intention was not to antagonize, no matter how easy it may be. I simply come to offer you valuable advice in the area that appears to be troubling you. That of wooing a woman,"

Alistair's glare remained, but he couldn't help but ask, "Why do you want to help me?"

Zevran placed a hand over his heart, feigning injury as he gasped, "Why, I thought we were friends, Alistair? Your suspicion wounds me! Is it so hard to believe that I simply wish to be helpful?"

Alistair narrowed his eyes, folding his arms across his chest and arching a brow. "Yes, it's very hard to believe."

"Ah, you have caught me. It's all a part of my plan, you see! I was going to try and use the two of you as inspiration for a sex novel I'm writing. And if that didn't work out I was going to try Morrigan and Sten. What do you think of 'Deep in the Wilds' as a title? Genius, yes?" Zevran stroked his chin in mock thoughtfulness.

"Ugh. First of all, that's disgusting. Secondly, I'm serious here, why would you want to help me, _especially _when it comes to Eliza?"

"And I am serious as well. About my offer of assistance, naturally, not about the sex novel. Though now that I think about it…"

"Could we get back on topic here? Why would you want to help me with her, of all things?" Alistair said impatiently.

"Is it not enough for me to say that I simply wish to help you, out of the kindness of my heart?" he grinned, and receiving nothing but an unimpressed glare from the templar, he continued with a sigh. "It is evident to me that she prefers you, and I have accepted that. I harbor no hard feelings towards you, and expect that you would have none towards me, especially being the victor. I was hoping we could put our rivalry behind us now, and I thought, 'What better way to befriend him than to help him out with his romance problems?' Is that so suspicious?" Zevran explained, and the tanned elf looked earnestly into Alistair's eyes.

Alistair frowned. "Wait, romance problems? You think I'm having _problems_?"

Zevran gave a sad smile, patting Alistair on the back in a friendly manner as he spoke in a much quieter voice, as if he were trying to spare Alistair some embarrassment, "Well, the word around camp seems to be that you are… _a virgin_."

Alistair's face reddened instantly, and the look of embarrassment on his face nearly caused the elf to laugh. "Who said that!?" he managed, voice cracking just a bit.

"It is common knowledge, my friend. You're as pure as the freshly fallen snow, or the clean water of an untouched spring, or a newborn child just freed from his mother's womb, or-"

"OKAY! _Okay_! I'm a virgin! So what!? How is that a problem!?" Alistair interrupted him, his tone very defensive.

Zevran chuckled a bit, shaking his head. "Poor man. It's not just that you're a virgin. You are also very naïve about sex in general, no? Once again, this is from what I have heard, and what I have gathered from my own observations."

"I-"

"It is not simply thrusting, my friend. There's far more to it when it comes to pleasing a woman,"

"Wh-"

"Many women require other kinds of stimulation in order to achieve orga-"

"Zevran! I-"

"How long it takes to get her off would also have a bit to do with the Grey Warden's habits though. How many partners she's had, how many times she's had sex. Tell me, how much does she masturb-"

"Wh- What makes you think I'd have _any _idea how much-"

"In that case, tell me, what do you know of stimulating the clit-"

"Ah! Enough!" Alistair covered his ears with his hands, face red.

Zevran frowned. "I only seek to offer you valuable advice, Alistair. Not only can I tell you how to perform in a way that will leave her begging for more, but if you will allow me to advise you, you'll have her _clawing _at the entrance to your tent out of sheer lust," he lowered his voice an octave, and raised his eyebrows for effect.

Alistair's eye darted around the camp to see where everybody was located, before dropping his voice to a mutter, "Fine. Tell me what to do. How to act," he blushed crimson as he said the words.

Zevran grinned, "Ah, I knew you would be interested! Let us head farther away from the others, lest we be overheard and you be found out, hm?"

Alistair put a hand over his eyes, massaging his temples and heaving a great sigh. "I can't believe I'm agreeing to this. Let's go _far _away, if anybody hears any of this… ugh, Morrigan would never let me live it down,"

* * *

"E-Eliza, could I… maybe… have a word with you?" Alistair called out to the other Grey Warden as she returned from Morrigan's campfire, probably having been conversing with the witch of the wilds.

It was always beyond Alistair how she could go out of her way to be friendly and sociable to somebody as mean, cold and taciturn as Morrigan. "Sure! What's on your mind?" she turned all of her attention to him in an instant, smiling invitingly.

"Well… I have something I wanted to talk to you about…" he mumbled, noticing suddenly that Leliana and Wynne were within hearing distance.

"Ah, my friends, I noticed that we are a tad low on firewood. Perhaps the two of you would go and get some, being the big strong Grey Wardens and all?" Zevran said suddenly, seemingly appearing out of nowhere.

"Oh, sure Zev!" Eliza gave him a grin, and Alistair couldn't help but resent the nickname she called the elf, and the smile she gave him which implied the easy closeness of the two.

"Thank you very much," Zevran returned the smile.

"You can ask me what you wanted to while we go get firewood, if that's alright with you Alistair?" Eliza turned her attention back to him, and Alistair nodded hastily.

"Y- yes! That's fine with me!" he managed, and she turned and headed into the woods.

He began to follow suit, but not before Zevran gave him a pointed look and whispered just when Eliza was out of earshot, "Confidence! You need to have the confidence, my friend!"

Alistair followed after Eliza, and began to fidget with his fingers as they walked through the woods, collecting various sticks and branches along the way. "Uhm… All right, I guess I _really _don't know how to ask you this…" he said, setting down his armful of wood and prompting her to do the same.

"Ask me what?" she questioned, evidently curious.

"Oh how do I say this… you'd think it would be easier, but every time I'm around you, I feel as if my head is about to explode… I… I can't think straight!" he mentally slapped himself for being his usual fumbling self, he was supposed to be suave and smooth here.

"Well, I'm going to take that as a compliment," she teased, and smiled encouragingly for him to go on.

"Well, uh, what I meant to say was… Um, you have really beautiful...uh...eyes. You're just so... so pretty! What I mean is... You have a nice... forehead? Er… Do you believe in... when I walk by…" he paused to mutter something to himself, "Maker's breath how did he say it went…"

Eliza stood there, blinking as she watched him stumble with words. "What I meant to say was.. Er… my tent has a very interesting ceiling!" he managed.

"Ah, okay?" she laughed.

"I-I know what I was going to say, j-just give me a sex- A second! A second I meant! I-I was going to say… that… if I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I… I would… oh- I would be walking through my garden forever!"

"Alistair…"

"I-if I could reach out and hold a star for every time you make me smile, I'd hold the sky in the palm of my hand!"

"Alistair…"

"If I was a squirrel and you were a rabbit… wait, or was it the other way around… Ah, i-if I said that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?"

"Alistair!" Eliza finally managed to interrupt the flustered templar, and she was giggling profusely, causing his face to redden even more, "What's going on? What's with all of the lines?"

"It's just… I wanted to ask you something… and I was told that I should try and… um… how about I start over?" he scratched the back of his head, smiling hesitantly at her.

She gave him a wide grin, "Alistair, anything you have to say, I'll listen,"

"W- well, here's the thing: being near you makes me _crazy. _But I can't imagine being without you. Not ever," he paused, and finally forced himself to lock eyes with Eliza. "I don't know how to say this another way. I want to spend the night with you. Here, in the camp. Maybe this is too fast… I don't know, but… I know what I feel,"

She seemed thoroughly surprised, and this time it was her turn to blush fervently. "T-this is a little sudden, Alistair…" she managed.

"I know. I wanted to wait for the perfect time, the perfect place… but when will it _be _perfect? If things were, we wouldn't even have met. We sort of… stumbled into each other, and despite this being the least perfect time, I still found myself falling for you in between all the fighting and everything else. I really don't want to wait anymore. I've… I've never done this before. You know that. I want it to be with you… while we still have the chance. In case-"

"Don't talk like that! There will always be time later…" Eliza managed, the pain she felt at the idea of either of them having to die was apparent.

"Will there? You don't know that. I don't know that. I'd like to be able to say that I threw caution to the wind at least once,"

"If that's what you really want…" she took a shy step towards him, blushing as she gazed up at him through thick lashes.

"I think so. I hope so,"

And with that he took her in his arms, and held her tightly to his chest. She slid her arms up and around his neck, and she stood on her tiptoes to get more level with his face before planting an innocent kiss on his lips. He responded immediately, hands roaming about her torso before finally coming to rest on her hips. She pressed her lips deeper into his, and he slid his tongue across her lower lip eagerly. She started to unfasten his armor as they kissed passionately, and he pulled away momentarily. "W-woah, shouldn't we go back to my tent first?" he managed, holding her wrist in his hand gently.

She gave him a smirk. "So you can pull all of those ridiculous pick-up lines, but sex in the woods is too crazy?"

He grinned. "Well insult the lines all you like, but they worked didn't they?" he leaned over a bit and kissed her neck playfully.

"Oh? Did they? Or maybe I just brought you out here to have my way with you in the first place, hm?" she grinned wickedly, and he felt himself shiver with excitement at her words.

"Ah ha, well that _is _evil! And here I'd thought I'd won you over with my smoothness and easy charm!" he chuckled.

"Oh Alistair, I don't want you to be smooth. I like you the way you are," she smiled up at him, the most sincere expression on her face.

"And what way is that?" he asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Oh you know!" Eliza waved her hand dismissively.

He pinned her up against a tree, hands on her hips once again and gazed down at her, grinning. "I don't believe I do. For all I know you could mean, 'I like Alistair the way he is, a clueless, lame, cheeseball virgin!' Don't think I don't see you and Leliana gossiping!" he joked, and Eliza had to laugh at his poor imitation of her voice.

"You mean Leliana teasing me about you and I? And for your information, I think nothing of the sort!"

"Then, what _do _you think?" he asked.

"I think that you're cute, funny, and, yes, sometimes you're awkward... but in the most adorable, charming way possible! You're unbelievably handsome and very witty... you make me smile constantly, even though we're running about fighting darkspawn and countless other evils. In a world as dark as this... amidst so much corruption and death... the fact that you can make me feel the things you do, can make my heart flutter and my head spin... I think... no, I know that I love you," she said, blushing as she spoke.

There was a moment of silence, and Alistair gazed down at her looking rather caught off guard. "W-well... I have to say, Eliza, you're much better at pick up lines than I am," he managed, moving a hand to cup her cheek.

"Believe me, it's not that hard to do better than the ones you came up with," she replied, chuckling slightly.

"Hey, they weren't mine! I… I heard them from somebody else." he tried to defend himself, "Besides, you didn't even let me get to the good ones!"

She grinned at this, "There were _good _ones? Do tell!"

"Brace yourself for this one: Do your legs hurt? Because you've been running through my dreams all night!" he couldn't help but grin as she began to shake with laughter. "Well I thought it was a good one. I'd go for it!"

"I'll have to keep that in mind then for when I try to seduce you," she smirked. "Any others?"

"Hmm… how about… I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight?" he said in a husky voice.

She place her hands on his lower abdomen, sending chills down his spine as she slowly let her hands roam lower. "Oh? What's stopping you?" she uttered, voice barely above a whisper and thick with lust.

"Apparently… nothing," he said, and their lips met once again.

* * *

"Ah, so Eliza and Alistair _finally _return, and with no firewood?" came Leliana's thick Orlesian accent, her voice laced with amusement.

"Now Leliana, don't tease them. Poor Alistair's ears have already gone red," Wynne chuckled.

"Don't you nosy gossips have anything better to do?" Alistair mumbled.

Farther away from the campfire, the Antivan sat against the base of a tree with a disappointed expression. "The painted elf's plans have backfired, I gather?" Came a booming, familiar voice.

"Yes they have," he muttered, casting a quick glance at the large stone golem, Shale.

"I thought the painted elf had set it up to fail in its attempts at coupling with the Grey Warden?"

"Indeed he did," he replied, his heavily accented voice tinged with annoyance. "And he's quite amazed at how his rival somehow managed to win her over with such terrible lines and bad advice. Perhaps there's more to him than the awkward, naïve chantry boy, hm?"

"I do not know. But I know that I would not stand idly by and stew in bitter defeat were I you. I would crush it,"

"My sturdy friend, it's not as simple as crushing things. Love is a game of strategy. Such as… chess, if you will. And I have been playing this game _far _longer; I've got a lifetime of experience," he paused, a particularly devilish smirk creeping across his features. "He may have won this round, but it's only a matter of time before I capture his queen, you see." "

And with that he turned his attention from the large stone golem and focused on the two laughing, blushing Grey Wardens over by the campfire. He fingered a small golden earring in one hand.


End file.
